Author Topic: Intimicy question  (Read 4012 times)

Offline edinct

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Intimicy question
« on: April 24, 2009, 11:09:52 AM »
I am not sure how everyone here lost thier limb/limbs, but I was in a m/c accident and its been 2 years since my amputation, bka. Since my accident things have really slowed down, I think its all me. My wife is great and I would not have made it through the whole process without her. I am not sure if its because I am missing my lower left leg, or in my head, but I am not in the mood as much as I had been in the past and not sure what to do about it, I know my wife is in the mood and needs the intimacy, I am at a dead end.
Did any of you go through a period of not being in the mood? What helped to get back in the mood? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
ED

Offline Steve C

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2009, 11:37:16 AM »
For me was almost the opposite. After my amp (maritime accident) there was a period of 3-4 months where I wasn't really in the mood for to much but that passed. When I regained the interest, my girlfriend did not. The whole accident hit her hard and she never got back into the groove.

I would have to think that we all need what ever time we need. With as long as its been with yourself I may suggest maybe talking with a professional therapist. I did. I did have to go through a mourning process of sorts, but I got tired of being down and decided to take steps to sort it out.

I know know for sure if it was talking to the therapist helped or if I was coasted back to my old ways in on my own. I think it may have been when I realized that I am the very same man I was before. Actually, I would actually go as far as to say that I am more of a man now then I was before the accident. It is when people are faced with hardship that we grow. I began to think that losing a limb is along the same lines as losing a finger nail although on a massively larger scale. A piece of me is gone, but only a fraction of the whole. The best part of me is still here. I am still as attractive as I was before, I still love and need it reciprocated.
Where ever I go, I'll always have one foot in Ireland   /   I'm not a complete fool. Some parts are missing.

Offline Minerva

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2009, 11:43:09 AM »
I am not sure how everyone here lost thier limb/limbs, but I was in a m/c accident and its been 2 years since my amputation, bka. Since my accident things have really slowed down, I think its all me. My wife is great and I would not have made it through the whole process without her. I am not sure if its because I am missing my lower left leg, or in my head, but I am not in the mood as much as I had been in the past and not sure what to do about it, I know my wife is in the mood and needs the intimacy, I am at a dead end.
Did any of you go through a period of not being in the mood? What helped to get back in the mood? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Hi Ed :)

Let's face it, amputation is a pretty major thing to happen to anyone ~ physically & emotionally. We all go through grief because we've lost something dear to us. If you think of it like a bereavement, then you'll have some idea of what you've just lived through ... and you're coming out the otherside, which is great. :)

However, regarding your question. If you don't mind me asking? when your amp happened, did you have counselling? If you did, then perhaps it may be an idea to have a bit more? If not, perhaps it may be a good idea to think about having some?
 

Offline edinct

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2009, 12:01:35 PM »
Thanks for your replys, please keep them coming.
Minerva, yes I did go to counseling, but definately not enough, I did not like the guy I went to see, so only went 3 times. Funny I just mentioned going to see someone else to my wife last week. I think I really need to finally accept what has happened to me. I look at my stump or fake leg and always wonder what did I do so wrong to deserve this, which I know the answer is nothing. Through the whole process I was always the strong one "life goes on" "hey I am still alive" "its just my leg" I think I just never made time to really deal with everything.

Offline Minerva

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2009, 12:33:22 PM »
It certainly wasn't your fault, Ed - like Ally said, 'sh*t happens'. Sometimes we don't know why these things happen, when they do - usually I eventually find that they happen for a reason.

For counselling to work you have to be able to identify with the counsellor. It may have been personalities? Or it may have been that they weren't experienced in counselling amputees? Next time try to see someone who either has experience at counselling amputees, or bereavement/disfigurement. And, if you're in the States, you could try the ACA. :)

Offline snowbear

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2009, 03:31:22 PM »
I never had any depression or grief over my leg loss. It  was a day that my life was saved as the bone infection was very serious it was my leg or my life, after many operations since infancy. I never had a good leg at all since I had a birth defect. The amputation was just another journey I was taking. I never cried and never asked the why me?  The PMS syndrome the poor me syndrome was never me. I always knew amputation was a possibility. I think it prepared me for the future of loosing my leg. I can understand people who have taken for granted that they had healthy limbs all their life. And all of a sudden they loose it some how or another. that must be the worst feeling. I never had that so I think I coped with the loss so well. And you don't miss what you never had. It has not changed my relationship with my husband at all. he is the most supportive and caring man. we were married 7 yeas when I lost my leg. My husband  meant me with a leg brace a slight limp, a badly deformed and scared  leg and 4 size differences in feet. It simply did not matter and still doesn't matter to him. My amputation dose not identify who I'm. Loosing a limb is tragic to some people but it could always be a hell of s lot worse.

Offline pegleg jack

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2009, 04:22:35 PM »
Ed, you have recieved some great answers on this subject, i lost both of my legs in 19 days, due to blood clots and gangarene, i to went in to the PMS period asking why me, and it took me almost a year before it hit me, why it happened and then one morning i was setting in my shop having a cup of coffee and it hit me like a ton of bricks, they were taken so that i could help other in thier time of need, and what i have could of just as easly killed me, but for some reason i feel that the guy upstairs didnt want me just now and needed me to work with other amputee's down here, as for being intimite, i had ED before i lost my legs, and yes me and my wife have gone through some bad times about it and i  am working on it now, going to a specialist to see what can be done, and yes for a period of time i lost all interest in it, and was lucky i had a nother amputee that sat down and talk to me about it and what he did to solve the problem, and it mostly takes time to heal that aspect of the amputation, and you will find that at time you will find your body revolting to you, it happens to me when i am in my chiar with my legs off, am a bilaterial bka, and have gain some wieght that need to loose. And i can tell you this it was a big and i mean big shock to wake up and not see any toes sticking up, but feel that i have made it through the real rough times, and am getting along okay, just came in from mowing my yard, use a 42 inch lawn tractor, and the front take my about 1/2 to cut, have fun looking at peoples face when they drive by and see that i dont have any legs while i am driving it around the yard.
you-all have a great day.

Offline Ally

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2009, 10:57:03 PM »
Hey

I am a girl, and I reckon that boys and girls go through different things.

But here is mine...............

Sex hurt me......brought on phantom pains like you cannot believe...eish, bad!
I was very busy trying to cope with general life, just love me dammit, don't LOVE me - if you know what I mean
You have (really) at least five years to come to grip with your new life (stats say so).
Babe, the more you stress about this, probably the more it will nail you.

So there, I have said almost nothing, but I believe that there are many of us who go through this and feel guilt.  No, not on.  Tis time that heals......

Dare I say it.......................over a decade later, sex is good.  Very good. Don't push it.  It will come (Jeez, I will get banned from this forum, the pun was SO not intended.)

Blessings
Ally
Courage does not always roar.  Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow."

Offline Minerva

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2009, 07:55:59 AM »
Ed, I think these posts say quite a bit, don't you?

I think you've identified what the problem is yourself. So, go on ... be brave ... go and get some counselling ... and find someone you identify with this time.  :)

Offline pegleg jack

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2009, 09:00:12 AM »
Ally, nope dont think so, IMHO, all you have done is answer a question put on here to the best of your knowlege and was straight forth with it, i for one will not delete it or bann you,
you-all have a great day.

Offline Dick Stevens

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2009, 02:19:37 PM »
Some great posts here.  (Don't worry, Ally, some striaght-to-the-point answers are the best.)

About grief and depression and all that, I can identify with SnowBear.  After dealing with circulation and non-healing sores, and finally osteo and gangrene, the day the first leg came off was a tremendous relief.

I was another of those "It's your leg or your life" people.  Well ... it didn't take too long to decide on choice "A".  I wasn't ready to "cash in my chips just yet".  Just some more bumps in the road to deal with - not the first and probably not the last.

I look around and see what some other folks are going thru, and realize that my own "medical adventures" are just a "walk in the park".  OK, so my "park" has some interesting wrinkles, but it's a pretty good park never-the-less.

I've met plenty of amps in the last few years and they -you - are a great lot of people.  People I never would have met had I not "lost my toenails" about 8 years ago.  Thanks everyone.

Oh yeah, as for Intimacy, we're doing just fine.  :)
 
Dick Stevens, DBKA in PA

Offline Minerva

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #11 on: April 26, 2009, 10:27:23 AM »
I look around and see what some other folks are going thru, and realize that my own "medical adventures" are just a "walk in the park".  OK, so my "park" has some interesting wrinkles, but it's a pretty good park never-the-less.

That's OK as a stop gap, Dick, but you need to come to terms with your lot. Thinking "I'm more better off than you" and general one-up-man-ship isn't necessarily a good idea. :)

Offline Mitchee

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #12 on: April 26, 2009, 12:52:11 PM »
Hi Minerva.  I'm confused by your post?   I don't understand the pharse "you need to come to terms with your lot."  Dick seems fine to me.  I'm not trying to speak for Dick but I think his point is something along the lines of... there is almost always someone worse off than ourselves so why feel sorry for ourselves. 

Michelle
Initial injury:  July 1985
Amputation:  December 2006 - Ertl LBKA

"The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step."
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Offline Dick Stevens

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #13 on: April 26, 2009, 04:16:31 PM »
Thanks, Michelle:

You get the point of where I'm coming from.  Minerva, I believe I have come to terms - and have done so all along.  As a diabetic, the leg problems came on gradually, giving me plenty of time to digest what was happening, and what would come next.  A far cry from someone who lost a limb due to traumatic accident, or a sudden-onset illness.  For those folks, sh*t happens, and then they have to deal with what has already happened to them.  For me, I had plenty of prep time.  When the time for amp came, it was no surprise.  I was able to say "Let's set the date, and get on with it." 

It's a bit like playing cards, and getting fewer and fewer cards in the hand.  After trying various ways to save the legs, the amp became more inevitable.  Eventually, only the "Amp Card" remained.

So, Minerva.  Relax.  I think I have it under control.  I realize there are some who feel that depression just HAS to be part of having an amp.  For some people maybe, but not for everyone.  So ..... thanks for your concern, I really appreciate it.  But, really all is OK here.

 
Dick Stevens, DBKA in PA

Offline Minerva

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Re: Intimicy question
« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2009, 07:28:49 AM »
Dick and Michelle ~ I'm quite relaxed thanks.  :)

My point is, that thinking that you are better of than someone else makes you feel better in the short term, but it doesn't address the real problem - self esteem and coming to terms with what's happened to you.

Thinking that you are better than someone else also has a negative impact on other people (i.e. the ones you believe are worse off than you), in that it may not be true (e.g. they may be totally content and possibly happier than you?). And it, more often than not, affects the way you behave towards that person, as it will not be an equal relationship ... basically because you believe (rightly or wrongly) that they are worse off than you (i.e. not equal to you).

Some people don't want to get help through talking about their feelings, as they feel threatened and not in control ... and that's absolutely fine. :) But, Ed had indicated that the problem may have been that he hadn't discovered the 'new Ed' after his amputation and in his case therapy (for want of a better word) would be a good idea.

The reason why I've raised the issue (apart from being an outspoken person  ;)), is that someone, very dear to me, has refused to talk about their feelings fully and they have had an immensely difficult time. IMHO emotions can be crippling in ways that far exceed anything physical problems throw at you.